ASPIRATION

Last week I met a girl whose name was aspiration.
I was really inspired listening her story, a story which make her living give her a lesson. that girl which is always asking questions to herself and at the end she got all the answers, but again trapped in to another question.

 This story has no beginning  because when it was started I was too young to understand  and now when I understand it,   it's too late to fix .
I was born in Pakistan , and moved  to  UAE  when I was 6 years old , I didn't remember anything about those years except those screaming , those fights and arguments between my parents , those voices often come in my dreams just like they want to tell something ,  in each of those voices there is my name , like I'm responsible  for everything ,its only me

A bitter truth I want to hide from everyone but can,t
A truth I felt shame to tell , don't know what people think of me, a truth I'm afraid will become my reputation, Everytime when teacher say : you are representing your parents here . I was like no I'm not that bad .

One day I woke up and my mom told me that my dad is gone. A lot of questions were in my mind but couldn't ask because I thought mom would scold me or leave me as dad did. When i grew up i got to know that my parents were divorce when I was 6 and then my mom took me to UAE , maybe she don't want my dad to come close to me . Maybe she never lose his father so he don't know how it feels.

No doubt my mom is very brave she tries alot to never let me miss my dad , she was only holding all my responsibility ,  loving me , making me proud her so I don't need to mention my dad , give me energy and power to come out of any depression of failure , give me everything what I want ,even dad is not in my luck but such a beautifully  mom makes me feel  that I'm more lucky then  anyone. And another thanks she never give up from her responsibilities and never throw them on others back . But truth is however  she tried she is my mom not  dad, she can't fill that place except with my real dad

Everytime looking  at my friends with their mother and father at meetings feel me that something is missing,
Column of father's detail on admission forums make me   think what to write, I don't even know his name , daughters playing with their dad make me feel missing

, whenever I hear: sons are prince of mom and daughters are princess of father, I feel like a slave.when my mother makes me cry I often think I should be with my dad he never do this he would never do that . Teachers asking about my father's occupation  make me confused . On sports day can't hear that manly cheer up discourages me.
Always failing and excuse to myself that I don't have dad makes me depressed , looking father's tackling  their  daughters when mom is in anger make me smile and then cry . Smile on her luck and crying on mine
I want to ask . Why my family is not complete ??

All the time two questions were revolving  around my mind that were who is my dad ? And I'm responsible for this divorce ?

I was used to ask these questions to mom but she never answers most of the time she  started ignoring me or just shut me up. Her behavior was multiplying my doubts and questions I want to know why all this happens and who was the responsible I know I can't to anything now or can't punish anyone but every single day that missing in my life force me to think. 

Sitting at my room's corners crying all the day. I had a lot of rancor for my dad in my heart. I was like saying it to myself .

Why dad why did You left us?

Why do you hate me ?

Why do you never comeback ?

How can be You  so mean ?

What's so bad that you never come even once? 

Did you hate me much that don't wanna see my face ?

I didn't do anything its all your fault ?

You did everything I hate you .

You destroy my life my psyche my family .

Last year me and mom went to pakistan in my cousins wedding ceremony held at lahore, there I asked my mom did dad lives here and she said yes! Then I ask who is him ? She ignored again as usual I asked again and she said why you want to know ? 

I replied because I'm his daughter I'm a part of him. You said not to ask about divorce I won't but please let me know  who's my dad. I saw tears in her eyes but she didn't reply ,

After 2 days she came to  me and say you want to meet you dad your cousin will take you. I got excited jumped in the car and my mom told me that I had to comeback soon . I promised her that I will. in the way suddenly I don't know why my heart was like squeezing I felt sad not sad maybe discouraged or something I Just don't want to meet him on one side I was excited to see his face hear her voice on other side  I want to say my cousin to stop  and take me back home but I didnt  do  anything  and at last we reached there 

Brown gate with woody designing can't forget it , I knocked at the door and a man opened it ,it was my father looking at me and in the first view he recognized me that I didn't expect he huged me and started crying I was like what should I do even his my dad but stranger on other hand, at last I heard his voice oh my God I can't explain how those words penetrate  in my heart, that sound hits each beat of my heart and tears came out . I asked everything  what I want to and he answered except why they get divorced 

And then he told me something  ,I remember each word in that sequence  with a deep breath he started

" I learn a lesson from my life

People say lion and men never cry, but people who don't cry maybe too strong from outside but their tears weakens them hollow them from inside like acid do. I didn't cry when my parents die ,I didn't cry when I was helpless ,I didn't cry when I divorced your mom when you was taken away from me , i was afraid that you never meet me, like other things . I get only what I cried for . Look I'm not week from inside tell your mom I'm not and the tears came out of his eyes I can't see them I was speechless I want to talk alot but there I was just listening. And then I went back home , I am soo happy that I met him, I'm soo happy that I get my answers , I'm so happy that at least I know who is my father how he looks , his voice will be alive in my heart till death and I get to know  that he don't hate me , I was not the reason of divorce so why they divorce who the hell cares now? Maybe we all are happy in our places and that's good. I don't know I will mwet him again or not but I just want to know ask one thing that I forgot  to ask that day

"He never think once to come and meet me himself ?

"

Again a question giving birth  to hundreds  and I'm on another journey of my life I can't forget those words thank God I'm strong like my dad because  I cry ..........